Sunday, June 05, 2005


Old junkies don't die, they don't fade away. They become something else. Once upon a time I was ignorant to drugs and all the shit that goes along with them. be seven again. But since then I've picked up a bit, owing largely to being the only lucid guy in the room at the time. When you see a junkie, and mind you I'm not just referring to a heroin addict, but a meth-head, a pill-popper, or any of the other subgroupings, you should know that eventually, if they survive, their habits will change and they'll end up in one of these four groups.

1) The Hypocrites--These are the worst fuckers of them all and I'll start with them first. You've met a few of them, no doubt. They're the ones who'll throw their kids out of the house for smoking pot while they're breathing through a deviated septum. They're sometimes religious, and born-agains have an impressive presence in this category, and their mantra is always the same: do as I say, not as I did. The most contemptible people on the planet...hypocrites.

2) The Space-Case--No, I'm not talking about pot heads. These are the crystal meth users, more often than not. Oh, how their brains have melted. They're still alive, they're still cognizant, but they're not quite in sync with reality. You see, they have no personality; they never did. The drugs were their social life, their insight, their self-esteem. Now that all that's gone there's just the remainder, a person trying desperately to be "open-minded" or "in the know" largely so they don't become a category #1. Most are in fact category #1, except for being too afraid to speak their so-called minds.

3) The Zombie--Crackheads, massive LSD users, and ultimately the idiots who did so much that their brains are now a slab of ground chuck. They're perhaps the easiest to spot, as they're in a permanent state of auto-pilot. Never to be confused with category #2, who are often seen at coffee shops or places populated by those half their age, these unfortunate bastards are at home on the streetcorner, the alleyway, and ultimately in their own fractured heads. They're the sort of people that when you ask them what the hell they did, their reply (if they even notice you) is something on the level of "everything". Pity them and learn from their mistakes.

4) The Old Junkie--These are my personal favorite, the survivors. The Old Junkies are usually hard drug users or pot heads, those who've done it for real, often to excess, but have lived through it to discover the wonders of moderation. Some of them still use, albeit far less, and they're usually the most open-minded about it. Many advise against doing what they did, but in a way that respects your ability as an adult to make whatever asinine decision you so choose. These are the voices of real experience, for better or worse. Remember though, there are still those among us that have lived through the ringer and want nothing more to feed it some fresh meat. With drugs, as with everything else, screen your data.

And there you have it, the almighty list. Now that I've probably gotten more than a few people pissed off at this, largely people who don't do drugs and think I'm advocating them. I don't use either, but I've known a lot of people who do. My biggest grievance is over the hypocricy of the formerly-indulgent. You want to give the new generation some pointers, don't get on the high horse. They know you were young once too and even a craniophallic teenager can smell what you're really about.

And now for my confession. My big problem has always been with alcohol. I don't drink, nor have I ever, and I personally loathe it. But I live with it. And anyone out there who believes that using marijuana, cocaine, or heroin is inherently different than alcohol because it's legal and therefore less dangerous, I cordially invite you to my city, New Brunswick, on a Friday night. You can literally smell the booze from the city streets...and mind you, I'm knowingly using the word "literally'. It is disgusting, as are not only drugs, but life itself. Pick your poison, learn from your mistakes, and teach where possible.

Egotism is, after all, the most addictive thing that ever was.

And now, I shall go have a cigarette. Go pour your poison and choose your futures wisely.